Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she doesn’t want.

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.

WHO’S GUILTY HERE? A wife is dreaming, wakes up and shouts “Quick…my husband’s home!” Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window…

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle aged men

Life is like Sex, only those on top enjoy it.

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other

Real guys aren’t perfect, and perfect guys aren’t real

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone

The only time you run out of chances is when you stop taking them

If men got pregnant, abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows… maybe even liquor store

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country

Many men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest

god made man, then he had a better idea

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them

Q. How are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Good ones are always taken, those available are mostly handicapped or too small.

Q:What are a woman’s four favorite animals?
A: mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger
in the bedroom, and an ASS to pay for it all

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns. Have you ever noticed how most women problems begin with men?

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “Y” becomes silent

Go to google and enter who’s the cutest and click on I’m feeling lucky

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “Y” becomes silent

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, simply surrounded by assholes

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.

If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks

Don’t imagine you can change a man, unless he’s in diapers

TOP ten things that men understand about women:

To get to a woman’s heart, a man must first use his.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich

I’m starting to think that a lot of men are homeless… You know, home less than others

The best way to get men to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

What are three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse’

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles.

Women need a reason to have sex — Men just need a place

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Behind every great woman, is a guy looking at her ass.

One day I’ll text my man stating that “I wanna break up”. Wait 30 seconds, and text him again saying, sorry wrong person.

Here are 70 ways to please a women 1 is shopping the rest is 69

Q:How is KFC similar to what’s on a males mind?
A:Their main focus is legs, breasts, and thighs.

Man: What’s your name sexy?
Woman: Taken!

Man: You look like a dream.”
Woman: “Go back to sleep

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing

Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you’ll be disconnected.

Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: When do you care for a man’s company?
A: When he owns it

We women have Super Powers! We can get wet without water, We can bleed without injury, We can make boneless meat hard & we can make men eat without cooking.

Many men are similar to snow storms…Because you don’t know when it’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, and how long it’ll stay

“— Mommy mommy, what’s an orgasm?
— I don’t know, ask your father.

It’s the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says ‘You know, you’re really a lousy lover’. To which the husband replies ‘How can you tell after only 30 seconds

Thinking of getting divorce?!? Take note…There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first.

On Tiger Woods, luckily for him… it’s “Tiger”… if it were to be any name of the other feline’s, boy would the media have a blitz with it… Lion (lying) Woods…. My favorite would be, Cheetah (cheater) Woods

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult

Q: What’s the difference between a man who doesn’t lie & a UFO?
A: I don’t know, I’ve never seen either

One morning in the office, a man mentions to a coworker that her hair smells nice today. The woman suddenly grows enraged, storms into her supervisor’s office, and declares that she’s quitting and has decided to file a sexual harassment suit.
…“Come on,” says the supervisor. “What’s wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice?”
“He’s a fucking midget!

A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: ‘PIG!!’The man immediately leans out his window and replies: ‘BITCH!!’They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.” —Silly men, they never get it.

A couple was in their honeymoon suite. Undressing for bed, the husband, tossed his pants to his bride and said, “here put these on. “I can’t wear your pants.” That’s right “I’m the man who wears the pants here!” With that she flipped him her panties saying, “Try these.” While only reaching up to his knees, he shouts “I can’t get into your panties!” “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude.”

A husband and wife are sharing a bottle of wine when the husband says, “I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.” The wife thinks for a few moments, then says “your dick is bigger than your brother’s.”

Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator :))

I’ve been constantly told that chivalry does not exist anymore, there are no gentlemen. But guess what ladies, there is hope; I recently saw a man who was holding an umbrella above his wife while she changed the car’s tire.

A man walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His girlfriend asks, “What’s that for?” “It’s for your headache.” “I don’t have a headache.”
He replies, “Gotcha!”

A distraught wife visited a police station with her next door neighbor to report her missing husband.
She provided a description. “He’s 31 years old, 6foot 4inches,dark eyes, dark wavy hair, athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, soft-spoken, and is good to children.”
The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, has a big mouth,
and is mean to children” The wife replied “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”

11 people are hanging on a rope from a helicopter.10 men & 1 woman. The rope is frail they agree 1 person should let go or it would break. Who can it be they ponder? Finally the woman gives a touching speech, saying how she would give up her life, women were used to giving up things for husbands & children, & after all, men were the superior sex & must be saved. When she finished speaking, they all clapped. Never underestimate the power of a woman.

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