“Because I am a woman”, the mother replied

“I don’t understand”, he said…

His mom gave him a hug and said, “No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to understand.”

Have you ever felt like your man doesn’t get you at all? It’s almost as if you talk in different languages that none of you have the correct translation to. Women like to share and talk about our problems, while they do the completely opposite – become quiet, withdrawn and just do their thing ignoring everything around them, including us. We like to spend time shopping as it relaxes us, they find this a complete and utter waste of time, which can be better spent drinking beer, watching football, or doing both. We are emotional, overly affectionate and even tearful at times, while our men are hardheaded, plainspoken and sensible. Sometimes I even wonder how it is possible for some of us to get along at all. Well I guess that’s why so many marriages nowadays seem to end with a divorce… So, to make it easier for you I have selected some phrases from the female – male dictionary which can guide your way into each others hearts.

Female: You never listen to me!

Translation: You seem a little withdrawn today and I just need someone to talk to for a bit. I love you and I am happy with you but sometimes I feel like you don’t listen to me.

Female: Do you think I am fat?

Translation: I miss the compliments you used to make me. I need to feel a little more appreciated and to know that you still love me.

Female: What are you thinking about?

Translation: You have been quiet for a while and I feel like there is something bothering you. I wish you could let me help you with that because this is my way of showing how much I care about you.

Female: I hate my life; nothing is the way I want it to be!

Translation: I love my life and you make me really happy, but I’ve had a very bad day today. I need to talk about what happened because talking about my problems makes me feel better. Just listen to me, then give me a hug and tell me that you love me.

Male: I am fine, nothing is wrong!

Translation: I have a problem to solve. It is important to me that I find solution to it on my own, because this is what we men do.

Male: I am not thinking about anything right now.

Translation: My thoughts are busy with this problem I need to find a solution to. I love you very much, but resolving this on my own will make me feel good about my abilities as a man. Please be patient and understanding. As soon as I find the answer everything will go back to normal.

Male: I don’t need the instructions manual, I know exactly how to fix this!

Translation: I don’t know how this is done, but I want to figure it out on my own because it will make me feel like a man more worthy of your affection. Please bare with me and let me do this my way.

I myself miss the times when we were more open to each other, we were bold and weren’t afraid to fall in love. Being in love wasn’t considered a weakness but on the contrary, it was something to be proud of. We knew how to fly on the wings of love and we weren’t afraid to fall, get hurt or start over if we had to.

Young people today use the word “sex” instead of “love” and “lust” over “romance”. Why do you think that is? Is being emotionally dependant on another human being so hard to bear that we’d rather be lonely and miserable, than open ourselves to the possibility of someone breaking our heart or be happy? When we do actually fall in love, we become so confused with what is right and wrong, that instead of expressing our own, unique individuality, we become a character of a movie or a soap opera, or worse yet, we just don’t bother with it at all and decide to have an open relationship. Freedom to do whatever or whoever we want and that in the total absence of monogamy. I don’t know about you, but to me this seems like the perfect recipe for total emotional frigidity!

Can these relationships develop and grow into something life fulfilling and meaningful or has love in the 21st century become just another form of physical pleasure consistent with our ego and emotional unavailability? Are we so bored with our lives that one partner is no longer enough to make us happy?

Ah well, perhaps this is what progress is all about. Times are changing and with them our ways of thinking. The ways of Romeo and Juliette are no longer applicable to our lifestyles and maybe love has become something we no longer need in our lives. And yet there is something in my heart still believing that if you are born with a romantic soul you will always be able to find your place in this world regardless of the times you live in. I hope many of you share my point of view and I hope that your love for each other stays modern enough to survive the test of time but most importantly old-fashioned enough to last a lifetime. Here’s to hoping!

Now that we have the understanding of what the crab in the barrel syndrome is, let me enlighten you on the false accusations that make you believe that everyone in your community is infected with this in their DNA.

I for one and a lot of the people I surround myself with have this sort of camaraderie, we want to see each other achieve things and get out of the barrel. Some in hopes that you will look back and pull them out also or to at least cheer them on so they can find their own way out.  I am a true believer in helping others’ achieve their dreams and uplifting them spiritually, mentally or emotionally. Some people do things to get something in return, you have some that do things just to brag and say they did it for you , and then you have the God given one’s that want to help you just because. Unfortunately, you will run across the first two, you use them as stepping stones, say thank you and then get far away from them as you possibly can. Not saying turn your back on them, just hold them at arms’ length and if they are still in that barrel, help them find their way out and walk away. Now the God given ones’ I would hold on to them and reciprocate the same.

In the business that I am in, I need my community and I believe my community needs me. Therefore my community embraces me because of my positive attitude, and my willingness to help other people achieve their dreams and goals. I am a Black business woman who has come from an urban, underprivileged, and poverty stricken community, although I am sitting on the edge of the barrel not quite   out yet, people are cheering me on to get out and I am cheering for them to come up while holding my hand out.  You ask where the love is, here is the love, so much for stereotypes.

The story starts a bit as a fairy tale, or en epic tale, is more like it. It’s quite descriptive of 12^th century England with all its ferocious habits – hanging people, giving birth in the open, massacres (with blood-sustained pictures), and devout missions. My first impression was that of a long but easy read of a lovely tale of love, religion, and survival. My first impression was correct.

However, what I did not expect to see given the picturesque descriptions of nature, buildings, and the humble monastic life, was that every single character mentioned, evolves throughout the book and is in the end as real and predictive as a person you know well. This predictability, however, is by no means valid for the unfolding of the novel, it’s rather an excellent psychological tool to get you “befriended” with the characters and follow their stories with your breath a hold.

Strangely but effectively, the story centres not around its characters but around the building of a cathedral in Kingsbridge. Ken Follett has put in a lot of effort to make sure he’s familiar with every single detail which constitutes the construction of such a magnificent building, the result being a very vivid representation of the trials and tribulations that its master builders face, and a clear picture of how the cathedral looks like.

This is what makes the story so captivating and different – the spine being the building of a cathedral, all the characters that gather to make this happen, with all their different backgrounds, motives, and mysteries from the past, entangle into one big family whose stories you cannot help but live through.

Ken Follett is definitely a captivating story-teller and even though the book may not be that catchy at the beginning, after 1/3 of it you are totally immersed into the story, intriguingly familiar with the characters, and frankly curious about where this would all end. And this is where the virtue of patience comes in the picture.

There’s a decent dose of suspension in the book, it could have been a notch more sparing in terms of vicissitudes but this in the end is no spoiler of experience. Another weak point of the book, which may be considered as a strong one by some, is that one of the main characters, Prior Phillip, is a person of God while his love of religion and religion in general are not well developed concepts in the book. It’s practical – the building of a cathedral, its emotional – the passion for the construction process, but it fails in giving a realistic overview of the mind-set of devout people and in depicting the power of faith.

Still, my friend ended up right, I did love the book. There’s more to it than fascinating story-telling. There are lives of people whom you favour, and whom you don’t, there is a decent dose of indecent love-making, some quite arousing scenes, there’s a lot of plotting and strategies powered by ambition or by pure defensive approaches. It’s indeed worth the time and I think I’ll definitely move on to the second sequel, taking place a couple of centuries later, A World without End.

I’ll keep you posted.

I have been a member of facebook.com for a couple of years now and a couple of friends as well as FB friends have been posting relationship problems on facebook.  What I see is there is a lot of cheating going on. Women and men alike are finding out their mates are cheating with people they meet on the site. Now there are some whom aren’t cheating but mates are so insecure that the slightest comment or “like” on the opposite sex status can lead to distrust on the other’s part.

Let’s start with the couples whom over analyze things that happen on facebook, as far as their significant other’s activity regarding the opposite sex. Poking someone on facebook is like a wave, instead of a Hello, you get poked.  Unless your companion is being aroused by being poked then you shouldn’t be concerned.  Your significant other being tagged or someone commenting on their picture really shouldn’t be their fault, they can’t control other peoples’ actions on but they can control how they react. If anything is said inappropriately they could delete it or delete that person. So in opinion depending on the response of your significant other or the comment that the other person post, there shouldn’t be any concern about this situation. This to me is no cause for accusing anyone of cheating.  Things such as “why are you lybo” (laughing your butt off) at someone else’s comments and what not are utterly ridiculous.

Let’s touch on inappropriate conduct on facebook. Under no circumstances do I recommend you expose your relationship problems on the internet, especially on your status, it will lead to more problems.  I never understood why there is a need to announce to the world what is going on in your personal life. Maybe it’s therapeutic for some, but facebook friends are not your family, they are not your Pastor, they most definitely aren’t a relationship counselor.  Unless they truly know you, do you really think they care about what’s going on in your love life and if they do care trust it’s for the wrong reasons. Some people see your problems advertised on FB and feel rejuvenated about their own messed up relationships.  The saying is true misery loves company. Then on top of that you might have someone who wants your mate and zoom bam they are right there to the rescue, like captain save a h–.  It’s best to keep your business in house and not out sourced on the internet.

If in a relationship you shouldn’t comment on inappropriate pictures, nor have private conversations with someone that you know wants more than just a “friendly”relationship with you. You shouldn’t say inappropriate things to anyone, or talk about your significant other in a negative manner. This leads to problems also. Exchanging numbers without your mate knowing is also a no- no, you have to conduct yourself the same way that you expect your mate to act. If you think you are getting over and that your are clever it’s a possibility that you’re really not.  We women are detectives and we will investigate until we get your password. I know some people may feel like, “Oh it’s just the internet, Ms. P, it’s really not cheating”. No baby that is a negative… it’s still cheating.  If you can’t do the things that you do on the internet in front of your mate, I’m pretty sure you know you aren’t supposed to be doing it. If you will wild out on your mate if you caught them doing the same things you are doing, then I’m pretty sure that is a sign that you aren’t supposed to be doing it either. If you can’t respect your mate behind closed doors then you should just be single. But, if you truly respect and love that person don’t let your RELATIONSHIP GET CAUGHT UP IN THE FACETRIX! UNTIL NEXT MWAH WHO LOVES YOU BABY?

Kind of romantic isn’t it? But to be entirely honest, I never really believed in such hearty, cheesy statements. Love at long distance seemed kind of stupid and pointless to me. Just imagine this… You sit at home all alone each evening, while your man is god knows where partying his ass off with god knows who. Your love life is diminished to getting it on once a month (if you are lucky to find a way to see each other that is) and the best kind of communication you get to have during the time you don’t see each other (which is a whole lot more) is through your Skype call camera, which is kind of lame really. “Who can go through that and still manage to keep it together?” I used to ask myself. Until one day I got a long distance relationship of my own. Fortunately for me that experience thought me a very useful lesson about life.

I won’t lie to you ladies. It is really damn hard to love someone who is a long way away from you, but the whole experience can be bearable if you follow few simple rules:

1. Learn to trust him. Before you start any relationship, there is one thing you must understand. If your loved one wants to cheat or betray you in any way, he will find a way to do it whether you live 1000 miles apart or share the same bed each night. So, instead of worrying sick all the time over something you have no control over, lock all of your jealousy demons away and give him the benefit of the doubt. If he hurts you, then he wasn’t the one for you and you are better off without him anyway.

2. Do things together. Every couple shares a bond which can only be made stronger by doing things with each other. Since in long distance relationships you won’t have the chance to do jointly, you will need to improvise. Go to the cinema and watch the same movie at the same time. Listen to the same song together or have a glass of your favourite brand of wine while chatting online. It isn’t the real deal but it definitely makes you feel less alone during the times you are not together.

3. Talk to each other. In most relationships, couples spend most of their time doing things rather than talking. Since the face to face contact is a missing factor in this relationship, you will need to fill the gaps with a different way of interaction. Make an effort to spend more time talking on the phone. Discuss your everyday life, make plans and dream about your future together. Exchange text messages and emails or spend time chatting online. It is all good as long as you constantly remind one another that you are in this for the long run and you aren’t going to give up on each other.

4. Have patience. Quite often in the effort to get what we most want we tend to lose it. We get angry, agitated and insecure. We make hasty decisions and thus we can quite easily push away the man we love. This is why, if you believe that you have found the person you want to be with, you will need to let go of your fears and frustrations, learn to appreciate the good moments and just be grateful for what you have. You have all the time in the world to love and be loved, so take it slow and enjoy every minute of it.

In this context delivering means conceding, it means living up to someone’s prospects and idea of life. Delivering means losing identity by being “just another brick in the wall”.

I think every self-respecting person should fail in the grand responsibility of meeting people’s expectations. I totally refuse to accept any ideals but mine. As a passion-triggered woman, I refuse to accept the “find a good boy” advice. So boring! I refute the idea of embracing someone else’s ideal of leading a pink and peaceful family life with an ordinary, accommodating guy. This is so not I!

For me love is the freedom of choice. I want to choose, not to be chosen. I want to desire someone, not to stumble upon them and figure they may be a good match. I want the luxury to love the most inappropriate match and to make it happen. Because this is what I want, this is me, this is what makes me feel free – to follow my desires, to live my dreams, and to suffer my mistakes. My is the key word here.

The usual cliché – when people fall in love, they usually say “I didn’t expect it. It just happened”. What actually happens when they are not out there craving for someone specific is that they are just taking what they’re given for the sake of not being alone, or they make a “will do” match out of someone they initially didn’t pay attention to and didn’t even notice. Then they start bragging that they are in a love relationship which in most cases has more to do with compromising to someone else’s desire for you, getting used to this person, and then they are “in love”.

But where is the will in this scenario? Where is to passion to go for something? Isn’t this just a defeatist and waiting-to-happen position? An apathetic approach to love? I take what I’m given?  The premature want is substituted for a social “will do”.

But it wouldn’t do, not for me. I don’t want things happening when I don’t really care if they will. I want things happening when I want them to happen. I don’t want my life to be seeded with accidental “it just happened”, I want my life to be full of “I made it happen”.

And I made it happen.

Unveiling the myth turned out to be far easier than I initially thought. The man is simple in all matters of life – he likes good destinations, rivers of alcohol, a bit of drugs, and, not surprisingly, beautiful women. The last didn’t strike me until he admitted very innocently that he doesn’t care if the woman holds any brains. If she’s beautiful enough he’s willing to put up with her being as shallow as a bucket of water for all he cares. And this you hear from one of the top minds of the financial world (yes, the ones with the fat bonuses).

The guy is not married and is looking for a wife but it seems his criterion goes as far as the looks. I considered he might be an exception and I went on exploring the topic in casual conversations with my business partners (again men who’ve worked their ass off to achieve top management positions). The results remain the same – the average “wifey” of a successful man is either the children-bearing ones, or the hot couture types. No room for the business minded.

Does this confirm the painful wisdom that opposites attract? Does this mean that only run-of-the-mill men would be attracted to a career driven female individual (woman is no longer an applicable term once you start earning a more-than-average living)?

My observations are that as long as the man is not yet at “the top” and extremely important, he can do with a business-oriented partner. He even prefers them since they make it up the ladder supporting each other. Once he gets to the top though, the wifey should stay at home. It seems that at some point or another, this is what men expect from us women. Not a bright future perspective for an ambitious woman but I am yet to see an exception.

I just hope that my opposite, a lazy and career-less man, won’t show up any time soon. But fuck wisdom. Life is so much easier if you are stupid.

Hawaiian shirts – I haven’t met a single man who doesn’t own one of those. It is the perfect garment for a BBQ party, a boy’s night out, the weekend getaway to the beach or even a special evening with the wifey (why oh why?). Yes, this is all true, but only if you were 50+ years old and you were living on some exotic island full of palm trees and lots of sandy beaches. If you are any younger, my advice to you would be to lock that thing in a box and throw the key away. Bottom line, Hawaiian shirts are horrific and have no place in your wardrobe, period!

Tight Jeans – Although it is hard at times, I have gotten used to the fact that modern men try harder to get in touch with their feminine side. They use our face creams, moisturisers and hair gels but having a man who wears my jeans it’s simply too much to handle. Just like a ballet dancer dressed in wedges don’t you think ladies? Sometimes I get this bad feeling that one day we will not be able to tell the gender of the person we have just met, without hearing their name. Scary thought isn’t it?

Dirty, worn out shoes – Nothing can ruin the first impression you make on girl like unsuitable dirty and worn out shoes can. You just can’t come out all dressed to impress and wear your grandfather’s cowboy boots all covered in dirt. The socks you wear are also a very important addition to your whole outlook. Their colour has to match with the shoes you wear. This is why I believe that black shoes and white socks is a combination that should be banned with a law unless you believe that you are Michael Jackson of course.

Tacky sweatshirts, excessively baggy trousers and supersized t-shirts – If you are one of those men (keyword MEN not a teenager) who are into this “keeping it real” or “gangsta”, please try and understand that we women find this kind of style completely and utterly disgusting! Every time I personally see one of these strange and disturbing subjects, it’s like I see a logo over their heads saying “Drug addict and a criminal “and right next to it another one saying “My trousers are so big that if I shit myself you will never be able to tell.” Call me stereotypical, but it’s just how I see it. There may be some women who are into this kind of dress code but trust me, there aren’t many of them. So if you want to be taken seriously please trash the baggy clothes and get yourself something decent for a change.

Have you ever noticed that each and every disappointment we experience in our lives is always related to an expectation we had from certain person or situation? Each negative emotion is the result of anticipating the wrong thing from someone or something.

Quite often expectation becomes such a big part of our lives, that when we look back we realize that all the vivid memories we have in relation to certain event are from the times when we were expecting it to happen, not the actual happening of that event. Our minds are capable of producing such vast amounts of imaginary imagery, that it can reach the point we end up living in our own fantasy soap opera. When the reality hits us in the face and it turns out that it doesn’t live to our expectations (and it never does), we suffer the consequences. This can happen over and over and over again until some of us can’t take it anymore. When that happens you just build a wall between yourself and everybody else that may or may not try to get close to you, you completely ignore reality and as it happens quite often nowadays you start living a surreal life, not realizing that this way of life is feeding into your little world of expectations even further. It seems to me that this is the perfect recipe for unhappiness, don’t you think?

Happiness is out there and it is readily available to everyone who wants a taste of it, but you have to want it and you have to be ready to make an effort in order to achieve it. Unhappiness on the other hand is the easy way out. It is everywhere and it is easily accessible. A lot of people say they want to be happy but what do they do about it? Nothing. You can’t stay at home all day doing nothing and expect to be happy. You can’t stuff yourself with junk food, lead unhealthy life and expect to feel good.

It is in human nature to have expectations – True! We can’t live without hopes and dreams – True! What is unnecessary in this case is the disappointment – one of the most negative human emotions. I believe that if you take responsibility for your own happiness you can get rid of the disappointment factor. Don’t wait for something to happen but instead make it happen! The important thing here is to know exactly where you want to go and what you want to achieve. Once you know that, then it wouldn’t matter if you get stalled every now and then or if you may need to get there through another path. It is the end result that matters and everything in between shouldn’t and couldn’t be a disappointment.

Expectations from ourselves and the people around us can also be a major disappointment factor. To conquer that, we must first forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made in the past and the ones we can possibly make in the future. We are all normal human beings without super powers and psychic abilities; thus we can’t satisfy everyone’s expectations of us. Accept that about yourself and about others and you won’t need to go through another disappointment again! Remember that all good things happen when you least expect them. Isaac Newton came up with his theory of gravitation after an apple fell on his head; the famous Archimedes theory came to realization while Archimedes was taking a bath and Christopher Columbus stumbled upon America on his way to Asia. Learn from those great discoverers. Don’t expect anything and happiness will find you one way or another!